“We need some more batteries for this balloon!”
Teacher: “Does anyone know what a caterpillar turns into?”
Biscuit: “A raccoon!”
Teacher: “And after the cocoon, what does it turn into?”
Biscuit: “A butter slide!”
I’ll correct it eventually…
My sister lives in in a condo in the Virginia Highlands neighborhood of Atlanta. Her upstairs neighbor, who also happens to be the president of the HOA, is a serious douchebag and, therefore, is always harassing her about something. Things that have twisted his panties into a wad include bikes on the patio, hosing off a car in the parking lot, and even a “noisy” ceiling fan. (Who the hell can hear a ceiling fan in another apartment?) But whenever he complains, he does so as the HOA president, and says that he is simply representing other douchey neighbors. Funny how no one else has ever complained directly to my sister, and the doucheking refuses to give any names. So when it came time for the most ridiculous complaint of all, he didn’t have the balls for an in-person confrontation. Instead, he left this cowardly, “anonymous” note on my sister’s door.
I, being the good sister that I am, wrote a response on her behalf, which she posted on his door the next day.
I’m just fighting the good fight against bored, narcissistic douchebags everywhere.
Insurance Boss: Do you think they do kids’ haircuts at Toys R Us?
Me: What?! No.
Insurance Boss: Why not? They have a groomer at PetSmart.
We live in a high-rise building in New York, which is neighbored by other high-rise apartment buildings, and so naturally my father-in-law gifted us a pair of binoculars. These binoculars have allowed us to witness private photo shoots, the perfect 10 applying her makeup in only her thong (which I was sure only existed in movies), and even a dead fucking body being pulled from the East River. Today I was mopping my living room floor when I passed by the bookshelf where we keep said binoculars. As I saw them laying there, two things suddenly occurred to me:
1) Earlier this morning Biscuit woke up as I was finishing my shower, and it was all I could do to get pants on before she started demanding things of me. I never quite got around to putting a shirt on. Therefore, I was mopping with the girls out.
2) It’s quite possible that any one of our neighbors also owns binoculars.
So if I show up on some housewife fetish site, please know that I was not a willing participant.